i don't know exactly when it started, probably sometime in college, but i've felt for a while that i don't really have close friends.
and by close friends i mean ones that you can message comfortably to ask about hanging out, or about that game they mentioned, or to send them a funny cat meme.
ones that you can comfortably go to and say, "so..." and go on a rant about your recently troubles. or spill the latest tea.

it wasn't always like this - growing up i had my group of friends and i was well-acquainted with most people in my grade.
but as i progressed from elementary school to middle school, from middle school to high school, i always grew distant from one or two friends, usually my closest ones.
nothing really happened between us, we just slowly and subtly drifted apart, as if it was supposed to happen.
i always wondered if there was something wrong with me, if i was a bad friend or something, because no one ever stayed.
but maybe this is natural when you're a hormonal teenager, you change over and over again until you eventually find who you are.

anyways, in college i was part of a cultural organization.
specifically i was part of the executive board that created and hosted events.
it was really fun my first year, and there was always someone asking to get lunch or dinner, or study together, etc.
but as the years progressed and as new people joined, the organization grew more clique-y, and there were less people asking to do things together.
it was a bit sad, but i'm an introvert who needs her alone time, and while i may know many people, i always kept my close friend circle pretty small, so i wasn't suffering.

after college, the few friends i still had left in the organization kind of all went their separate ways.
the girl who i used to call my best friend, who i even lived with for 2 years, just suddenly stopped responding to me one day.
i found out that she pretty much cut off anyone who didn't get a job straight out of college and wouldn't be helpful to her as a connection.
so, i was totally left with no friends of my own lol.
the people who i still keep in contact with from college are my boyfriend's college dance team teammates, who have always been very welcoming and friendly to me, and i can definitely call them my friends now, but.. it still just feels different.

nowadays my boyfriend and i mostly hang out with his current teammates, who have also been super welcoming and friendly to me.
i've gotten closer to a lot of them myself, but it's still not at the level where i can comfortably hit them up without a big reason, just to chat or rant or something.
most of the conversations we have are short-lived, and pretty much on an as-needed basis.
which is crazy because i've gone on several trips with some of these people.
i know they don't dislike me, since they invite me to many things, but i'm never invited without my boyfriend, so i still feel like i'm invited mostly because they invited my boyfriend, and, "hey, pj is cool so why not invite her too?"

this feeling still exists, but lately some good things have been happening!
my boyfriend's team has a gaming discord for teammates who like to game, and a few plus 1's are also in the channel, like me.
recently a few of the girls said we should play games together, so one day i played with them, and now it happens pretty often.
i'm still too shy to initiate on my own, and i still feel kind of like an outsider, so i usually just wait until someone summons me lol.
but they keep summoning me! and it's been really fun!
i finally feel like i'm a friend outside of my connection to my boyfriend, at least to these few people.

also i am back in my gamer girl phase.
happy leap day :) (est)