so i was working at my first job for a bit.
i wasn't being paid the best rate, nor was i getting any benefits, but i felt that my boss was very knowledgeable and the company could go far.

however, recently, things took a turn.
i won't go too into detail for the sake of anonymity but basically i suddenly found myself in a somewhat toxic environment.
i was crying every day while working because i felt so anxious about possibly getting looked down on again, and also because dealing with my boss was so stressful.
i would wake up at 4am and have trouble falling back asleep because i would just have dreams of extremely anxiety-inducing situations.
i knew that it would be difficult for me to grow if i stayed in this kind of environment, so i was left with a decision.
tough it out until i can find a new job, or quit right then and there, and start up the job search again with no backup.
the thought of either of those decisions made a knot form in my stomach.

thinking about job searching again was terrifying.
having to go back and start studying again for interviews, grinding leetcode, facing rejections for not having enough experience.. i didn't know if i was ready to go through that again.
i also burst into tears throughout the day whenever i thought about my uncertain future.

but staying at this job and being miserable every day?
just for something to put on my resume?
my boss didn't even leave me alone outside of work hours.
i dreaded the thought of waking up to have to experience this all over again.
i felt that suddenly, the past two years of growth and healing from my depression and anxiety had all reset.

after talking to some friends, both those who do and do not have experience in my field, everyone recommended i quit immediately.
"no job, nothing, is worth doing while crying every day."
"no job is worth sacrificing your mental health."
i was reassured.
i was worried that i was being overly sensitive, or weak, or that maybe i subconsciously didn't care enough about my career.

i definitely decided to quit. it was just a matter of when.
"maybe i could tough it out until early next year?" turned into, "maybe just until the end of this month," until finally it just became "i have to quit next week."

so i did.
and i'm glad i chose me.
i'm still super anxious and scared about the job search, and i still cry sometimes.
but i know i'll get to where i want to be eventually.
i have also decided to see a therapist and a psychiatrist again, because i think it's important that i deal with my mental health first.
and i'm proud of myself for making that decision.