due to some sort of childhood trauma, i can't seem to settle for less than good.
and by good i mean my own definition of good, the definition of good that i only place upon myself, which is near perfect.

nobody is perfect.
and nobody is perfect at something the first time they try it.
yeah, some people are naturals, and some people are good at something the first time they try it, but that doesn't happen for everyone or everything.
i know this.
but why can't i accept it when it comes to myself?

there are so many things i'm interested in.
i actually can't stop collecting interests or hobbies.
some things i've tried include:
sewing, greeting card making, journaling, scrapbooking, writing, graphic design, baking, cooking, photography, video editing, singing, dancing, drawing, gaming, and nail art.

a lot of these started off pretty well.
most of these things got to a point where i could call them a hobby.
a few of these things, i still continue to do.
but none of these things i would consider myself good at, according to my definition of good, and what frustrates me is that i can never get over this phase of "i'm getting pretty good, but it's not good enough."
hence the "kind of a graphic designer, kind of a gamer" on my about page.

for example, i got into graphic design by following some random photoshop tutorials and then some random illustrator tutorials until i was able to start making things on my own.
my friends would ask me to design some things for them and i gladly helped.
but none of these products were at the level a professional would output, and i hated it.
i know what looks good but i don't know how to make something good?
the frustration took my breath away.

but of course i can't be on the same level as a professional; i don't have that kind of education or experience or practice.
once i come to my senses like this, i think to myself: how can i get better?
and my answer always is, "i have no idea."
i'm always so overwhelmed with the amount of resources out there for learning something, and i don't know what path to take.
but maybe this is just an excuse for not starting because i'm secretly (maybe not so secretly) afraid to fail, and therefore i don't even want to start.

another fight with my inner demons😤