letters to people from my past pt. 1
i am well aware that people come and go, and in no way am i still holding onto what i had with these people.
but sometimes you remember things from the past and you can't help but remember the good, or the bad, and wonder what they're doing now.
i also think i never really got closure with some of these relationships, so i wanted to get my thoughts down.
dear pk,
i always thought you were super cool, and ahead of our time.
and in many ways, you were. but back then i thought that i should strive to be like you.
although i sometimes felt like i couldn't understand your actions, i probably just thought it was because you were more mature than me, from being an older sibling, from hanging out with older people at church, etc.
but as i continue to analyze myself, i realize that some of the things you said to me left their mark, and shaped me to be more cautious, more fearful.
you used to question me whenever i happened to like the same thing as you, or if i thought you had a good idea and i wanted to do the same.
but, isn't that what friends do?
isn't that what kids, what people do?
it's perfectly normal to think that your friend's food looks good and to get the same thing, or see the way they organized their notes and think it's a good system, or whatever.
why did you get upset when i had the same thought as you, even if i said it first?
there's a difference between blatantly copying, and being inspired or just having something in common.
i'm learning to get over it, but i still get worried if i like the same thing as a friend or want to try the same food, get the same shoes, the same water bottle, anything.
but no one else has attacked me for doing so.
i'm sure you've grown out of this too.
i hope you're doing well, wherever you are.
best,
pj
dear sy,
i don't really feel hurt by the way you cut me and our other friends off; i don't think i ever really felt hurt, just really confused.
you were the one who kept telling me that we should talk more, hang out more, so what changed your mind?
just based on our observations, you cut off anyone who didn't get a job straight out of college.
anyone who didn't provide any meaningful connections to you.
i hope this isn't the case, but if it is, i hope you're happy with where you're at.
remember that one incident our freshman year?
well, i recently heard the other side of the story and basically found out you had lied to everyone about what happened.
and when we were living together for 2 years.. i tried to help you and your boyfriend at the time but looking back i feel bad that you couldn't understand his struggles.
it's sad but i'm honestly okay that we're not friends anymore.
we were really different to begin with anyway.
best,
pj
dear tc,
i suddenly remembered you while talking about middle school with some friends.
pk thought you liked me, the way she thought any other guy who gave me attention liked me.
maybe you actually did, or maybe you were just playing with us, but either way i feel bad that you had to get involved.
i won't lie, i liked that you were a year older, which was a big deal in middle school lol, and that you pat me on the head, not in a weird way, but in a oh-what-a-silly-underclassmen kind of way.
but then pk went and made some other guy ask me out, who i barely knew, and it was in front of all our friends, so me being extremely shy and nonconfrontational at the time, just said yes.
we were really different though, so i don't know if we'd ever have worked out.
but i wonder how you're doing now.
best,
pj
dear tl,
i used to call you my older brother, and you used to call me your second younger sister.
back then i really wished you were my real brother haha.
i thought that even after i graduated high school and didn't need to go to the academy anymore, we'd stay in touch.
they say distance makes the heart grow fonder but it's always been quite the opposite for me.
we still have each other on social media, so i feel like if i reach out we'll be able to connect again, but idk, while i'm always down to reconnect with old friends, i'm always worried that the other person will just think it's weird.
i heard you got married and moved out; i'm so happy for you!
i remember the adults always talking about how you still hadn't gotten married, or that you were still working at your dad's academy instead of pursuing the field you said you would, but it taught me how everyone goes at their own pace, and that life is unpredictable.
a lesson that i'm trying to instill in myself right now.
i really hope we connect again some day.
wishing you all the best, truly.
best,
pj
dear my,
how are you? where are you?
we became friends in kindergarten, and i think in high school we assumed we'd be friends forever.
maybe not super close friends, but friends, you know?
i don't know what happened, maybe it was me, maybe it was you, maybe both of us, but we just kind of stopped talking once we got to college.
and it happened with most of our friends in high school actually.
i pass by your house every time i drive home, but it's always dark and empty, so i assume you've moved away.
well, i hope you're doing well, and i hope our paths cross again some day.
best,
pj