do what you want
hi, it's been a while again.
i'm still working my part time job, still have no full time software engineering role, and i'm still depressed.
my new medication seems to be doing something though, because i've been able to get up in the mornings and fix breakfast for myself.
why aren't i coding or job searching?
i wonder that too.
whatever the reason, i believe it'll eventually go away and i'll be able to get back on my feet again.
recently my therapist told me to try just doing what i want, and enjoying this time that i have.
honestly, all this time i thought that's what i was doing.
i was lying in bed, crocheting, watching movies and youtube, etc etc.
but i wasn't actually enjoying it to the fullest.
you see, i realized that when doing all these things, i still had the dark cloud of "you have to study, you have to get a job" looming behind me.
when i was lying in bed, i would feel guilty for not working towards my career goals.
when i was crocheting, i would feel like i'm wasting my time on something less productive.
i just felt ashamed of myself and had trouble really enjoying the things i wanted to do.
so lately i'm trying to change my mindset, and tell myself it's okay to do these things and wholly give myself a break from the job search.
i haven't been healing because i've been hanging on to my stressors constantly, but it's time to learn to let go.