quick thoughts
for, you know, random thoughts that need to be blurted out
latest thought:
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250820
i wanted to vent bc i'm experiencing a very it-really-was-adhd-all-along moment
for the first time in a while, i felt like i wanted to work on a project.
it's something design related and with most things i'm often very hesitant to start, partially because of executive dysfunction and partially because of a fear of failure or imperfection.
but sometimes if i'm really interested in something then i will jump at it, sometimes even if i'm not prepared.so i went into hyperfocus mode again.
this is not the flow state that many people experience.
it's a state where i literally cannot do anything else until i finish whatever i am working on in the moment.
i don't eat, i don't go to the bathroom until i feel like i'm going to explode, i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't check my phone, etc.
obviously it has its pros and cons.i just finished one teeny part of the project that was really giving me a lot of trouble.
great! cool!
but while i was working on it for hours, i didn't touch the food that i had ordered for lunch, i didn't touch the fruit that my dad gave me, and i didn't touch the fruit that my mom gave me because she didn't know my dad already left me fruit.
i also have to shower tonight since i'm going out tomorrow (yes sometimes if i'm not going out i don't shower every day okay), and now i'm super overstimulated?
there's food to eat, i'm starving, there's fruit, so much fruit, i also bought a slice of cheesecake and now i don't know if i should eat it or not because it's late, but i won't be able to eat it tomorrow since i'm going out!
i finished my food, now i have to put the leftovers in the fridge, bring the plates of fruit down, but i didn't finish all the watermelon so i have to put that in the fridge too! and then i have to shower but that takes mental preparation!
my heart is beating so fast? for what?i realized that this is how i've been all my life and i don't know how i didn't think it was adhd until now.
all quick thoughts
-
250820
i wanted to vent bc i'm experiencing a very it-really-was-adhd-all-along moment
for the first time in a while, i felt like i wanted to work on a project.
it's something design related and with most things i'm often very hesitant to start, partially because of executive dysfunction and partially because of a fear of failure or imperfection.
but sometimes if i'm really interested in something then i will jump at it, sometimes even if i'm not prepared.so i went into hyperfocus mode again.
this is not the flow state that many people experience.
it's a state where i literally cannot do anything else until i finish whatever i am working on in the moment.
i don't eat, i don't go to the bathroom until i feel like i'm going to explode, i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't check my phone, etc.
obviously it has its pros and cons.i just finished one teeny part of the project that was really giving me a lot of trouble.
great! cool!
but while i was working on it for hours, i didn't touch the food that i had ordered for lunch, i didn't touch the fruit that my dad gave me, and i didn't touch the fruit that my mom gave me because she didn't know my dad already left me fruit.
i also have to shower tonight since i'm going out tomorrow (yes sometimes if i'm not going out i don't shower every day okay), and now i'm super overstimulated?
there's food to eat, i'm starving, there's fruit, so much fruit, i also bought a slice of cheesecake and now i don't know if i should eat it or not because it's late, but i won't be able to eat it tomorrow since i'm going out!
i finished my food, now i have to put the leftovers in the fridge, bring the plates of fruit down, but i didn't finish all the watermelon so i have to put that in the fridge too! and then i have to shower but that takes mental preparation!
my heart is beating so fast? for what?i realized that this is how i've been all my life and i don't know how i didn't think it was adhd until now.
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250804
i've let fear stop me and fill me with regret so many times, yet i haven't changed.
i wish everything was kinder to me - the world, the heavens, my mom, myself. -
250721
pj, what are you so scared of?
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250725
wishing for love & support.