00:00 (zero o'clock)

giving yourself permission

so i started my part-time job.
the first day i had a short onboarding session, and then i got to shadow 2 classes.
i guess i was expecting a lot of emphasis to be put on the teaching aspect but things were really.. hectic.
the children barely listened, a lot of them yelled out things they wanted to do instead of the given project, and the teachers all looked to me with the "this is fine" meme look.
one of the teachers just told me to remember that they're young kids, and that as long as they're having fun it's okay if the project doesn't get completed.
this kind of made me feel less worried about teaching thoroughly, but it made me worried about dealing with the kids.
i'm actually not too fond of children, unless they listen well lol.
i kind of had this crisis where i wondered if i made the right choice in applying for this job, but i had to tell myself that i can't just back out without giving it a chance.
i tend to cancel on things (like social events) if i feel my mental illness getting out of hand, which in some cases is acceptable i feel, but i don't think i should keep allowing myself to do it, especially with something serious like a job.

the part-time job is an after school program, so i have until around 3 PM to get things done.
except.. i haven't really been getting anything done.
and i try to tell myself it's okay, because i'm still struggling, and now i'm adjusting to medication which has side effects, but is it really okay?
i realized that i often don't know what to do because my parents dictated so much of my life for me growing up.
while i had my own interests, most of my schedule was determined for me, as well as what i learned, and what kind of future i would have.
i had to get permission for almost everything, and honestly i still kind of have to, or i at least have to run things by my mom before doing anything.
for example, a lot of my friends live towards the city, and when i hang out with them over the weekend, they often tell me to sleep over instead of driving back at night.
i have to tell my mom that i'll be sleeping over, not only because she gets irrationally worried and will call the police if i don't come home, but because sometimes she passive aggressively asks why i don't just sleep in my own bed.
i feel like i'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

besides stuff like going out, finances, and the occasional "why don't you just get a master's degree", my parents are mostly hands-off now on what i do with my time.
but i still feel like i need permission or a lot of confirmation before i make decisions.
i want to tell myself that it's okay to take it slow and to focus on healing first, but i really can't tell if it's okay to do that.
i feel like i should be trying to be as productive as possible, as soon as possible, because i'm already behind so many of my peers.
it helps to hear from my friends that it's okay to take things at my own pace, but i bet i won't feel totally okay with it until i hear it from my parents.

my therapist told me today that as an adult, i have the power to give myself that permission.
so despite my inability to firmly believe that it's okay, i'm going to try and focus on helping myself first, because i know in the current state that i'm in, i won't be successfully productive and not overwhelm myself.
like any other illness or injury, if you need the time to heal, you should take it.
why is mental illness any different?

#mental health #self-esteem #thoughts