hello,
it has been quite a while.
so long that everything feels awkward and foreign.
for those who may have seen me around before, hi again, i hope everything has been well with you.
for those who have never seen me before, hi, i'm pj. my blog is mainly a place for me to write out my thoughts and also be an advocate for mental health, trying my best to showcase what it's like to live with mental illness.
obviously a lot has happened since the last time i wrote, but also at the same time not much as happened at all.
i got diagnosed with adhd.
i always had my suspicions, but there's so much about adhd that's unknown, and i just felt that i didn't relate to the stereotypes.
it wasn't until i started seeing more and more information about it that i started to think that maybe i do have adhd.
in a way, i feel relieved.
for so long i thought i just had depression and anxiety, and no one i ever went to for counseling or treatment said otherwise.
every medication under the sun didn't work and i felt really hopeless.
i'm glad that now i know specifically what i'm dealing with and that many of my personality "flaws" that i judged myself for growing up had a reason.
i am now taking medication for adhd, and while i am seeing improvement, i still feel like i have a while to go before i get to the place i want to be.
it's not easy undoing years and years of childhood trauma and bad habits.
i'm still the same pj, trying to figure out how to achieve my goals without overwhelming myself.
still scared of not doing well or being bad at something, still scared of never getting anywhere.
actually, my therapist said i shouldn't use the word "scared" so often because it gives an extreme connotation - it puts me in crisis mode.
i need to practice switching out words like "scared" and "overwhelmed" with words like "uncomfortable" and "worried."
i got a new part-time job.
although my dream is to work as a software engineer still, i debated whether or not i should pursue graphic design instead.
i know, the graphic design industry isn't much better off, but i had a friend who was willing to help me break into the industry.
my new part-time job involves.. a lot.
i'm designing social media posts, emails, managing the social media accounts myself, creating content for the social media accounts, and managing the website as well since i can code.
yeah.. a lot for a part-time job with no benefits but i only work around 4 hours a day and i can work whenever i want, as long as things are sent and posted when they need to be.
i'm actually really passionate about helping out the business because it's relatively new, and small, and my boss is a really nice person.
i think that i'm getting too emotionally invested though.
i get anxious when i don't see sales come in, and i check the shop constantly throughout the day, even after work hours and on the weekends.
i'm not able to push myself to properly learn graphic design and social media marketing but i keep thinking about how i want to be better at them so i can grow the business.
it's always a fight with myself.
honestly though, i'm proud of myself for still being here, and still trying to figure out how to get better.
kind of dark but when i was 17 i didn't want to make it to 30, let alone 25.
looks like i'll make it though.