hi, it's me again
it's been a while since i've written.
i've actually been away on a month and a half long trip to south korea and japan.
i've been on many of these trips before, as kind of a bandaid for my mental health.
and each time in the past, they helped a lot; i would come back feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the next semester, the next challenge.
i was sort of hoping it would help this time as well, especially since it would be the first time i was going with my boyfriend and my friends.
but unfortunately it didn't really have the same effect as it did in the past.
before i left for the trip, i was feeling.. badly. in my last post i wrote that even though i was feeling overwhelmed and like i didn't want to do anything, i still had goals i wanted to chase. i didn't want to seek a career, i didn't want to move out into my own place, i didn't want to crochet, or learn graphic design, or anything. during the trip i was able to enjoy myself, but not without the impending doom that is my future constantly creeping up on me. i'm sick of doing nothing, but i don't want to do anything. i'm not sure where to go from here.
i had thought i'd already reached rock bottom in the past but i felt that what i was feeling a few months ago, and now, was close competition.
shortly after writing that post i began to feel that even those goals, goals that i've had for a very long time, were not so appealing.
i argued with myself - it's just the mental illness speaking, you just need to find proper treatment.
but what if i don't want to bother with that either?
i'm grateful that i was able to have another opportunity to travel, but i almost feel like it was a waste for me to go.
i'm back and i feel no different than before i left.
i'm worried about everything, and yet i can't get myself to take action.
i'm lonely, but i don't want to see my friends.