how do you spark joy?
on monday i led my first class at my part-time job.
it's teaching young kids how to code in scratch and python at a coding school, if i haven't mentioned it in detail before.
i actually led 2 classes that day, and both went pretty well, but i was definitely exhausted after.
most of the kids followed along well, but of course there were some that would be disruptive.
still, it was only 2 hours, and my manager said i did great, so i went home feeling pretty okay.
today i had four back-to-back sessions of 1 on 1 tutoring.
i guess i prefer these to the classes, but teaching young kids who don't always focus for 4 hours straight is kind of exhausting.
i think it would be okay if i didn't have to figure out what project to teach each kid, because some of them have completed most of the projects created by the school, which means i have to make my own projects or source them from somewhere else.
and at the moment i really cannot be bothered.
i have thoughts almost every day of whether or not i made the right choice in applying for this job, because i don't really enjoy it.
you might be thinking, "well, you can just quit if you don't like it, can't you?"
and yeah, i guess i can, but when i got hired they asked for a 6 month commitment (not in writing), and me being the way that i am, i'm too scared to quit before 6 months in fear of what they might say to me.
i want to tough it out. but my mental is made of glass, so if i get overwhelmed, it'll only make me suffer. but i want to stop escaping things just because i'm having a hard time. but if i can't handle it, it'll only hurt me. so is it okay to quit if it's too much?
this is my never-ending dilemma.
lately i feel like i want to do nothing.
everything i wanted to do, all those desires, just down the drain.
maybe it's the side effects of my medication, but i know it's the oh-so-familiar feeling of depression.
the medicine has made me less anxious at least, i'm very thankful for that.
don't get me wrong, i still laugh at things, i still have the same dreams, i'm still interested in crocheting, reading, etc etc, but..
i just don't really feel like doing any of it right now.
i thought about what i could do that may make me feel better, but nothing i thought of sounded like it would make me happy.
i wanted to do something for myself, but what do i do if nothing sparks joy in me?
actually, the one thing that does spark joy is my bed.
i wish i could just melt into it.