i did the thing
i didn't realize how long it's been since my last post β actually, there were a few times where i would start writing, but would end up deleting the draft because i lost momentum lol.
anyways,
i've spoken in the past about being unable to try new things or continue with hobbies or skills because of the fear of being anything less than good.
i always attributed this to my upbringing, because to my parents, i wasn't allowed to be anything but perfect, and i was always terrified of getting in trouble for being "subpar."
but i now know that it's not just the standards and expectations that were ingrained in me as a child, but also due to my adhd β i have some crazy rejection sensitive dysphoria lol.
those with adhd often have trouble regulating their emotions, and feel them more intensely.
it's common for people with adhd to also have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is characterized by an intense emotional sensitivity to (perceived) criticism or rejection, fear of criticism and rejection, and avoidance behavior in order to reduce any possibility of failure or rejection, which all leads to many challenges in daily life and relationships.
i have always had so much trouble taking steps towards anything because i'm always so afraid of failure and criticism, and i often regret not taking opportunities when they come around.
as a child who always loved to create, and as someone who has gone through several creative hobbies in her life, one of my dreams was to be able to design my own products and run my own business.
something about people finding use for the things i create and appreciating them makes me feel fulfilled.
i'm not looking for compliments (actually i feel really awkward when i receive them), but i do always need a lot of reassurance.
earlier this year i bought a label printer because i saw that in korea, people were using them to design stickers.
kind of an impulsive purchase maybe but i've always wanted to make my own stickers, and this was such an easy method.
i started to experiment and design various stickers; using a label printer obviously has its limitations, but it also has its own unique aesthetic.
i designed a sticker pack, wondered what it would be like if i sold them, but quickly pushed the thought out of my mind.
who would buy these? i'm not even that good at design, nor do i have any sort of following to market to.
i told myself i should make an account to upload my design learning progress in hopes that it would maybe keep me more accountable.
if people start to take interest and follow me, maybe then i'll try selling my stickers.
it sounded really exciting, but because of my fear of criticism, i ended up not posting anything for months.
because of my fear of simply just not being good enough, i never started any of the design courses i purchased or looked through all the design resources i've bookmarked.
fast forward to around september, i suddenly felt the urge to turn on my ipad that had been collecting dust, and draw some silly doodles.
i printed these on my label printer, and really liked how some of them turned out.
my boyfriend kept encouraging me to make the sticker pack and sell them, and believe me, i wanted to so badly, but i was so scared.
i thought what if i just show it to friends and acquaintances first, but even that sounded terrifying.
what if people see it and think, "these aren't even that good, why is she trying to sell them?"
"why is she trying to make money when she's not even good?"
"why would anyone pay for these?"
"why is she asking friends to buy her stuff?"
i talked about it with my therapist.
i'd say i'm pretty insightful and self-aware, so i know that i can't have everyone like me or what i create, and that no decent person would really think those things.
she said, "not everyone has the same tastes, so not everyone will like it or want to buy it, but no one will say that it's bad. if they do then that's an issue with their personality, not you."
i also had some really good friends who i showed the stickers to, and they vehemently encouraged me to post them.
my therapist also always tells me, "you keep waiting for the perfect conditions to do something so that you can be perfect at doing it, but nothing and no one is perfect."
i realized that i always feel like i have to be "perfect" or at least really good in order to put myself out there because otherwise i'd just be making a fool out of myself.
but truly, no one is perfect, and there's nothing wrong with putting up some stickers for sale even though i'm not a professional graphic designer or a content creator with thousands of followers.
so after much much MUCH consideration, worrying, and planning everything down to the last detail, i've put up my stickers for sale.
if you'd like to take a look, you can see them here.
if you'd like to follow my instagram account that i will hopefully post more on, you can do so here.