i read a book! (#1): Crying in H Mart - Michelle Zauner
⚠️ Spoilers ahead!
About the Book:
Michelle Zauner, the indie rock musician also known as Japanese Breakfast, was born to a Korean mother and a Caucasian father. In Crying in H Mart, she describes her experiences growing up with identity struggles, pushing away her Korean identity, but learning how to pull it closer once her mother fell ill. The memoir mostly focuses on navigating the painful months of her life as she stood by her mother's side in her battle with cancer and final moments.
my thoughts:
i have so much to say on this book.
first off, i would like to mention that i cried about 10 times.
it's also the first book i have completed in a very long while.. go me!
there are a few topics from the book that i would like to talk about:
family, korean identity, and korean culture & food.
before diving into those topics, i want to mention that it excited me to read about someone who experienced many things that i had, as i am korean as well.
it was really interesting to see how even though she lived across the country from me (in eugene, oregon), we shared a lot of similar experiences.
there's actually a saying in korean: people all live in the same way.
her writing is wonderful, and her feelings really come through in her writing.
of course it may be nowhere near how she felt, but i could definitely feel the pain and sorrow.
and i appreciated that she was open and honest, and real.
one little thing i wish for though is more explanations of the korean words she used - i'm fortunately able to understand what she is referring to but not everyone will, so i wish there were more details included.
family
family is something i struggle with, in many ways.
in Crying in H Mart, Michelle talks about her rocky experiences growing up with a strict korean mother, which i could definitely relate to.
she mentions how her mom would yell at her when she got hurt, yelling angrily about how she said not to climb the tree, instead of worrying about her daughter's possible injury.
it was always tough love, high expectations, and blunt truths, something i also grew up with.
however, once her mother fell ill, she immediately raced over to her side.
even after growing up with events that may have left scars (because they for sure did on me), she did not lose any love for her mother, and gave up the life she was currently living to be with her mother.
even though it's not a good thought to have, i put myself in her shoes.
i don't have the best feelings towards my mom, but i think i would do the same.
but for me i think a big part of it would be due to a sense of duty, instead of love, and for some reason that brought me to tears.
korean identity
although i love my culture now, i too struggled with being asian-american growing up.
Michelle talks about how classmates would ask her if she was chinese, or japanese, and then be stumped when she said no to both.
i have had this same experience growing up.
in elementary school for the first few years, i was the only korean in my grade.
kids would ask me what i am, and when i said korean, they asked, "what's that?"
and when we all got a little older, it turned into, "north or south?" which i hated being asked by the way.
she also mentions wishing to not bring korean food to school, and it reminded me of how my parents would pack me kimbap for field trips and i had to explain to everyone that it was "korean sushi."
just as Michelle did, i wanted to push away my korean culture and be more "american."
however, while the events that led us to change our minds were drastically different, i, like Michelle, started to embrace my culture more.
i also loved hearing about her trips to korea with her mother when she was young.
i have only gone with my mom twice, but the experiences were the same:
stay at grandma's house, sleep on the living room floor, be cooked homemade food, and catch up with relatives who always said, "wow, you got prettier!"
after her mother's death, she revisits korea, and eventually holds a show there for her tour.
it kind of felt like she came full circle and it was really touching to see.
she mentions how people bought her vinyls and they had pictures of her mom on it - i cried really hard at this part.
korean culture & food
koreans love food.
and what i mean is.. we don't ask each other, "how are you?", we ask, "have you eaten?"
and we don't say, "we should catch up sometime," we say, "let's get food sometime!"
we show our love through food, bringing boxes of fruit as gifts to our friends, giving rice cakes to our neighbors when we first move in, showing up with porridge at a sick friend's house.
Michelle talks about how her mother's caretaker would make jatjuk (pine nut porridge) for her ill mother, but never tell her the recipe.
after her mother's death one day, Michelle decides to look up Maangchi's recipe for jatjuk, and make it herself.
the recipe that eluded her finally became known to her, and she was able to get closure through this.
for some reason this moment made me feel some type of way.
towards the end of the book, she mentions making her own kimchi and how it became a regular thing.
she started giving it out to her friends as well, which is something i hope to do in the future.
food brings people together, and i think koreans do it so well.
thanks for reading!