00:00 (zero o'clock)

i read a book! (#5): I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki - Baek Sehee

KR Title: 죽고 싶지만 떡볶이는 먹고 싶어 - 백세희
⚠️ Spoilers ahead!


About the Book

In this memoir/collection of essays, the author, Baek Sehee, records her conversations with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period of time. She at first comes in due to what she feels is some kind of depression, but soon learns that she has a lot to work on - anxiety, low self-esteem, and a vicious cycle of self-contempt. "But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a desire for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?"


my thoughts:

this was another book that i had bought (ages ago) because of RM of bts.
at the time, i was taking a medical leave from school and i had impulsively asked my parents to send me to korea on my own, a big decision for both them and myself.
i pretty much resonated with the title of the book entirely.
however, as i am not 100% fluent in korean - i can hold conversations and talk about my interests, but i can't write an essay at the level that someone my age would be able to, and i can't really understand jargon - i struggled with reading the book since i had to look up words often.
that, combined with just my struggle to focus on reading had me put off reading this book for years.

i guess my korean has improved because i had less struggle reading it than the first time.
it was an interesting read because i could relate to a lot of what the author felt, but there were also aspects that i could not personally relate to at all, and it was interesting to try and put myself in her shoes to understand.
for example, i also feel that i have a tendency to rely or lean on people i'm close to, but that makes me want to lean on them less - it's called the hedgehog's dilemma.
but i couldn't relate to her saying that she's overly judgemental, a lot of her opinions agreeing with korean standards of beauty but to the extreme.
i think that i also subconsciously judge people - i think we all do to some extent - but i also try to keep an open mind.
i wonder if this is due to the different cultural settings we grew up in.

i appreciated that she was brutally honest with her thoughts though.
a lot of the time she would cringe at her own comments/thoughts and think she must be crazy, but to publicize that takes a lot of courage.
she was willing to share her flaws in order to share her journey of self-help to others who may need it.

throughout the book, she learns how to change her mindset little by little, and look at life through a different lens.
the psychiatrist would mention to her that a lot of her thoughts were very black or white, all or nothing.
but many things in life are not like that, and as i recently learned as well, things don't have to be this or that, it can be this AND that.
it doesn't have to be work OR rest, it can be work AND rest.

low self-esteem was also a big issue for her, and i can definitely relate to that.
she mentions how she always hears people say, "you can't love others if you don't love yourself," and thinks, "that's not true, i don't love myself but i have loved others before."
i used to think the same exact way.
the psychiatrist tells her that not loving yourself can lead you to suspect others.
"for example, i don't think i'm pretty, but if someone tells me i'm pretty it may lead me to think, 'why are they telling this to me? do they have an ulterior motive?'"
i think i have a hard time accepting compliments because i don't love myself, and therefore i find it hard to believe them.
i also believe that if you don't love yourself, you have low self-esteem, and you feel insecure about yourself, the feelings that arise can cause you to hurt your loved ones, and that's what "you can't love others if you don't love yourself" means.

btw, one of my favorite foods is tteokbokki as well.


thank you for reading!

#anxiety #book review #books #depression #mental health #self-esteem #self-help