i say i hate the world, but it's probably a lie
growing up for me was tough.
i'm still dealing with the aftereffects.
i experienced a lot of feelings at an early age that no child should have to experience.
i would always say i hate the world.
i always said i hate people - how selfish they can be, how it's people that make things harder for other people, and how difficult it is to maintain good, healthy relationships.
and whenever something bad happened to me i would question why i was ever born or why the world never has anything good in store for me.
angsty, i know🙄
i still say/feel these things sometimes.
i feel like the current events going on exacerbate some of these feelings/thoughts.
i won't lie, i often feel bitter at how i had to struggle so much due to mental illness and a not-exactly-toxic-but-not-healthy home environment and how it took me so much more time than the "normal" timeline to get here, and i'm still not where i want to be.
lots of feelings here, but basically i'm still holding a lot of anger and sadness inside me that makes me feel like i hate the world.
but would someone who hates the world want to travel it, and see all the beautiful coasts that it has to offer?
would someone who hates the world cry every time she sees a wedding - whether it be that of a friend, acquaintance, or even a stranger?
would someone who hates the world feel comfort from looking up at the sky, and take pictures to send to the ones she loves?
would someone who hates the world love all the emotions that come through music and love singing (even though she can't sing well)?
would someone who hates the world get touched when seeing people help each other and be kind to each other?
i recently watched a korean remake of a taiwanese drama - the taiwanese original is called Someday or One Day and the korean version is called A Time Called You - and i won't spoil too much but at the end, the female lead tells this girl something along the lines of, "you weren't having a hard time because you're depressed and weak. it was because you had that much hope and expectations for the world. in reality, you were trying so hard because you were more full of hope than anyone else."
my boyfriend said this kind of reminded him of me, and i agreed.
kind of difficult to grasp everything, but i think that i believe in the good things in the world - pretty skies, beautiful oceans, kindness, happiness, love, hope - so much that when something goes wrong i get really hurt.
it's funny because i've always wanted to be aloof and think that the world is a sucky place and life is cruel.
and sometimes the world is sucky and life is cruel, but it's not always like that.
and i also think it's okay for these feelings to coexist.
there are two thoughts that changed my mind one day and are keeping me going:
one is that i haven't gotten to live the life that i wanted to, and i would be extremely unfair for me to go without living a life that made up for all the hardships i faced in the past,
and the other is that there are a lot of things out there that make me smile or make me feel happy, even for a moment, and that maybe these things are worth living for.
wishing that all the beautiful, good things in the world come your way,
pj