hello, it's been a while since i've written.
i've been okay, not much has changed, but i've felt myself losing interest in well, almost everything.

my therapist says it's the depression, which i am aware of, but i think she kind of meant it as, "it's the depression, not you."
it made me think about how i always get hooked on something - a new hobby, a new show, a new project - and then for a few possible reasons, i just drop it.
there are things that have survived, but very few things do.
i always attributed this to my anxiety and my perfectionism, along with my high expectations for myself.
i would get discouraged if i didn't like what i had created, and it made the activity i was once obsessed with suddenly undesirable.
or, i just thought that some things just grow dull over time, like, in reality, you can't eat the same food every single day no matter how much you like it.
i once had a phase in high school where i was addicted to eating these clementines (they were really good clementines though) and i actually ate about 8 - 10 every day after school.
so after who knows how many clementines, i think it makes sense for me to have gotten sick of them?

but recently i thought maybe it's something more than just those reasons, that when i first get into something it makes me really excited and once i fall out of it i get really depressed again.
am i chasing some kind of high by looking for something new to obsess over?
something new to distract myself from the fact that life sucks?

it's possible that i have more than just depression and anxiety? ADHD? dopamine addiction?
but i don't want to self-diagnose.

or maybe, i'm chasing validation.
if i produce something subpar, no one will think it's good, and i will only disappoint.
but if i think i'm good at something and i can get the validation, then i'll get the confidence to keep going with it.
this is kind of what happened with crocheting.

whatever it really is, i'm just looking to be happier.