it doesn't have to be one or the other
i really loved Yuri's post about Navigating contradictions in life.
i also find myself to be a walking bundle of contradictions, from the things i do to the way i think about myself.
i think i'm creative but when it comes to my products i think they're lacking creativity.
i dislike when people criticize something perfectly fine just because they have one small issue with it, but sometimes i find myself hating something for no real reason too.
i want people to like me and i want to have lots of followers but i don't really want to be famous because i'm afraid of criticism.
and i used to think that if i have depression, if i'm depressed, i can't be happy.
sometimes i still do, when the depression is at its worst.
i feel like there's no way out and i'm just not meant to be happy.
but depression is not the absence of happiness, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and no one said a chemical imbalance means you're not meant to be happy.
i've been working on this in therapy a lot.
i was struggling because i know i have to study and start applying for jobs again, but the stress of it all was keeping me permanently burnt out.
i wanted to go on a trip, do something fun to relieve stress and take a break, but i felt like i didn't deserve it or that it would just be a waste of time.
my therapist told me things don't have to be either or, but they can be both.
that i can have both.
going on a trip doesn't mean i can't study and apply for jobs - i can still do both.
of course i can!
i can study, take a trip, and easily come back to the studying afterwards.
but why did i feel like taking a trip would have such a drastic effect on any and all progress of my studies?
another issue i had was that i was super non-confrontational and i had a lot of trouble bringing up things that were weighing heavy on my mind, some with harsh truths, in fear that i would come off as a mean person.
but.. confrontational doesn't equal mean, and neither does bringing up a conversation that needs to be had.
i can still bring up these conversations and not be a mean or scary or insensitive person; in fact, it might even make my relationships smoother going forward.
so yes, life is full of contradictions and so are we.
but that's the beauty of it, and i think it's pretty cool that even though we are walking bundles of contradictions, we can still live on, because it's okay to have both.
thanks to Yuri for reminding me to embrace these contradictions :)