living in the future
no i am not talking about the cool kind of future😅
lately i'm super anxious about things that won't happen for at least 6 months to a year.
maybe that's not super into the future, but there's not even a guarantee that some of these things will actually happen within that time frame.
i'm worried about apartment hunting, moving in (i hate moving..), possibly changing jobs and having to go through the job search all over again..
and each of those worries come with their own extra worries as well.
maybe because getting to this point where i am now took me longer than i had hoped, or longer than the typical person, i'm feeling like i have less time to accomplish some of these goals.
basically yes, i'm trying to accomplish moving out, getting married, and finding a software engineering job in a field i'm more interested in, before i turn 30.
and i know i don't have to.
i know i can have my own timeline, and i do, and that a lot of people don't accomplish all those things by the time they turn 30.
but it's just been something that i grew up with, and it's also something cultural that no matter how much the culture actually shifts, just doesn't seem to disappear from the subconsciousnesses of its people.
i also know that i may be putting unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend to adhere to a timeline that's not his own.
this is how i am living in the future.
stressing out over things that haven't happened, and may not even happen soon.
my therapist in college (who i really miss) used to tell me that if i live in the past, i'll make myself depressed, and if i live in the future, i'll make myself anxious.
she is totally right.
of course we can't not think about our futures - some amount of planning and/or grasping of a big picture must be done.
but there is a time for that, and we should think about it when that time comes.
not months or years before.
i also think i'm still struggling to balance my new life of having a job for the first time in 2n years along with my hobbies, rest, and social life, and the stress from that is making me just think about, well, everything.
you know, like spiraling?
i'm trying to live in the present but it's really hard when i am not satisfied with present me.
but i'll keep trying.
thanks for reading!