mom
"do you think i'm a good mom?"
"i don't know."
"am i a bad mom?"
".. no."
"i'm probably not a good mom."
growing up was tough for me because of my parents, mostly my mom.
to keep it short, they were very strict, controlling, and obsessive.
i had to be perfect, and when i wasn't, my mom did not hold back on letting me know.
i hated being at home, and honestly at the time i probably hated my parents.
i grew up with the goal of moving out as soon as i graduated college.
but it didn't happen.
and i hated myself for not making it happen.
i know my mom tried her best.
i know everything she did was so that i could live a good life and not suffer in the same ways that she did.
but she left a lot of scars.
it took her a while to realize that.
i don't know what made her realize it, but as i went through college she became more willing to listen to me talk about my depression (and anxiety).
at first there were still moments where she would get frustrated for not being able to understand, and she would lash out at me.
but it doesn't happen anymore.
now, she tells me i can take my time focus on getting better.
i've changed too.
i still can't say i love her, or my dad, but i don't feel the same resentment i once did.
at the end of last year when i was working at my first job and things started to go downhill, i was crying every day.
normally i cry and keep things to myself.
not the best habit, but i don't feel comfortable expressing the full extent of my sorrows to most people.
this time, for some reason, i thought of my mom.
i felt like i was a kid again, crying for my mom.
an emotion i hadn't felt since i was probably less than 5 years old.
yesterday, she asked me if i thought she was a good mom.
i said i don't know because i still haven't healed from everything, and there are still some rocky moments.
but when she said, "i'm probably not a good mom," i had to try really hard to hold in my tears.
my mom is usually a super confident and strong woman, so it took me by surprise to hear her admit her shortcomings.
there's still a lot that needs work.
i don't know if and when i'll be able to move on from all the wounds and scars from the past, and i don't know if i'm ready to work on forgiving my mom.
but i'm grateful that things have gotten better.