no more lost socks
i've actually been trying to write this post for a while now.
i've managed to start a few times, but got overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts and emotions that i was feeling regarding this topic.
it's also difficult to determine exactly how much information about yourself you want to put on the internet when you're trying to stay mostly anonymous.
if you know anything about me, or you've read some of my posts, you know that one of my biggest goals was to move out.
i know it could be worse, but my home environment is sort of toxic.
tl;dr, my parents don't like each other and they both have little regard for my privacy, my plans or decisions, and my personal endeavors.
oh and although it has gotten better now that there are no grades to define who i am, my mom is still emotionally abusive without realizing it.
my 20s are almost over.
i have a lot to say about just this sentence but i'll leave that for another time.
a lot of people around me were able to get jobs straight out of college and move out into nyc apartments, whether it be alone or with friends/partners.
i know many many people who didn't do that, and still live with their parents in their hometowns, even if they have jobs, because it saves money, or they're comfortable where they are.
and i know people who are similar to me, in that they're struggling to find their balance in life and don't exactly have the means to get what they want.
and that's okay. for them, i genuinely mean that.
but for myself, i only see the friends who have been living on their own now for years, who are working full-time jobs in established companies, and filling their savings accounts.
"i should be like that."
"that's what i want, that's what i should've been."
"why can't i do that? i'm pathetic."
i felt like i would never be able to achieve this goal, and i was really unsure of what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go in life.
i entered quite a dark passage.
but recently, i was given an opportunity. a very expensive one.
my partner's parents offered to pay for our rent, so that we could move in together.
this was my dream, our dream, and yet i couldn't just say yes.
i mean, that's a lot of money, how can you just accept that when you haven't done anything for them yet?
but then his mom said, "i think a change in environment would be very helpful for you."
and i remembered that i wanted to move out not just to feel like i'm getting somewhere in life, or to live with my partner, but because i needed to escape.
because my current environment was suffocating me, and leaving me in fight or flight mode constantly, and there was no room for me to flourish.
so despite all the anxiety and fear that even this would not help me, i decided to accept.
we've been slowly moving in and furnishing the apartment for a few weeks now.
it's still difficult to feel like it's home, but i know we'll get there soon.
i do feel hopeful, like maybe i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i have to remind myself that it will still take time.
adhd is forever, and habits take a while to build.
not to mention old habits die even harder.
when i was living at home, my parents just took my laundry and did everything in one batch even though i explicitly said i would prefer to do my own laundry.
for some reason they would always lose my socks, and we had a bin of socks that no longer had a match.
i'm glad to be free from the way my body subconsciously tensed up whenever i heard footsteps outside my door, but i still get emotional thinking about my parents living in the house, just the two of them.
they're not good with technology, so i would often try to teach them, but they still just came to me every time.
it was frustrating to have to tell them the same things over and over again and feel like they weren't even trying, but now i worry that they won't be able to figure it out since i'm gone.
they don't even like each other or converse with each other, so i worry that they will feel lonely or depressed in a house with no one to talk to.
i find it funny that even after all the trouble they put me through over the past 20+ years, i still get teary-eyed thinking about them.
i still can't say that i love them, but just the way i feel sad and remorseful looking back on my life, i feel the same about theirs.
sometimes i wish they didn't have me so that we could all be a little happier.
here's to no more lost socks.