something good happened to me today
something good happened to me today.
i won't go too into detail, because despite the title of this post, what happened is not exactly what i wanted to write about.
basically i had an interview (i'm currently searching for a job), in which the interviewer felt that i was a great match for the role, and he also told me i seemed very clever and capable.
for some reason, being told i was clever and capable made me feel so.. alive?
you see, these past few weeks had been rough because my job search wasn't going so well and i felt like everyone was moving forward except for me (maybe something to talk about in another post).
i'm at home with no real responsibilities, no one making me do anything or forcing me to be busy, and therefore my depression tells me to not do anything.
yeah, i feel good after hearing that. i'm sure most people would.
but is something like that supposed to cheer me up this much?
these past 2-3 weeks i had been feeling so unmotivated, so stressed, and so sad, and a simple compliment of my abilities turned it all around.
i suddenly feel inspired to work on things i had been putting off and get out of the house to study.
it made me realize that my self-esteem is at rock bottom.
i saw a meme the other day that said, "started from the bottom now we a little bit below the bottom somehow," and this is how i feel right now.
of course, i'm already aware of my low self-esteem.
but this situation kind of put it into perspective how bad it had gotten.
i stopped telling myself i was smart and that i was capable ages ago.
being told this from someone else gave me validation and reassurance that i wasn't hopeless.
of course it's great that i feel better, and that i feel motivated now.
but validation of oneself shouldn't come from other people.
when you rely on validation from others, it becomes like a drug.
you seek it out in order to feel that high, and when you can't get it, you experience withdrawl.
and i think that was me - i was waiting to be validated by others, whether it be by my colleagues or possible future employers, and i was putting myself through hell.
i don't think i can stop seeking reassurance from others immediately after this realization, but i'm proud of myself for being able to come to this conclusion.
i hope you are kind to yourself today, because you deserve it, and so do i.