stuck in the tower
i'm not doing so hot lately.
lots of anxiety that has turned to pure fear, depression and feeling unmotivated, and questioning myself.
i feel like i'm stuck in a tower.
except not at the top, where the princess is usually trapped, but at the bottom.
this tower has 100 basement floors, and i'm on floor B80 right now.
and i don't want to get to floor 100 all the way at the top of the tower, but i at least want to get to floor 1, where i can see some light.
because the basement does not have any windows.
i think after years of struggling i had made it to around B5 - i wasn't out of the darkness but i could find comfort in knowing that i was so close to floor 1.
basically, i knew how to comfort myself in order to get over stressful situations.
now, imagine monsters on each floor. like a game!
the job search pushed me back down to B10. but i was still okay.
when i got my first job it didn't really help me advance up, but i felt like i consumed a strength potion or something.
during the job though, i was slowly being pushed back down.
.. until it just got so bad that it pushed me all the way back down to B90.
i was shocked to see myself be in a state that i hadn't been in for years, and i was also so upset to feel like all my progress had just been reset.
it took me a few days but i think i've made it to B80.
still not very close to ground level.
i'm scared. my anxiety is paralyzing and i'm worried i'm never going to get a job.
the idea of getting back into studying, technical interviews which i was never good at, picking up my side projects again.. they're all so overwhelming.
i'm absolutely terrified, but i'm also tired.
i don't know if i have the strength to make it to ground level, or even B10 again.
i'm lost on what i can do at this point.
i've started speaking with a therapist again, and i'm planning to meet a psychiatrist soon.
i'm really hoping it'll help me. i'm desperate.
the panic attacks and crying spells i experienced during my last week of work are slowly coming back, and they lead me to feel all sorts of things.
i'm worried i'll never get hired β i can't push myself to improve β i suck β did i live my life wrong? β i'm sorry to everyone around me for not being better β why can't i stop stressing myself out? β what do i even want to do anymore?
i wish there was a guidebook on how to get out of this tower.
i wish i had help, or a mentor.
i'm trying to take it easy for now - one productive thing a day, no matter how small.
i hope that's okay.