the art of doing nothing all day
if you've read any of my posts you probably know that i struggle with depression and anxiety, and much of my blog is dedicated to raising awareness for the two mental illnesses through sharing my own experiences.
i'm in another depressive episode.
although depression always stays with me, there are times when i'm able to be more productive and i'm in a better mental state.
but there are also times, like right now, where i go through a rough time and depression takes over.
so what is it like?
what kind of thoughts run through my head, and physically how do i feel?
tl;dr, i feel like a big ball of tar, melting and confused.
let's start with thoughts.
currently, everything feels very overwhelming.
i say i don't want to do anything but that's not completely true, i still have things that i want to do, they all just seem like too much work at the moment.
i start to question my path and wonder if i've chosen the right career, even though i know inside that this is what i'm passionate about.
i feel worthless.
27 and unemployed, not even working towards employment at the moment..
it makes me feel pathetic most days.
my self-esteem and self-confidence both stay low, and sometimes i wish i could give up, but life doesn't have a give up button where you get the answer for pressing it.
how do i feel physically?
we can't forget that depression is not just an emotional state but a disease in which there is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
this leads to symptoms such as fatigue, hypersomnia, and more.
normally i sleep around 6 hours a night and feel fine.
lately, i take a nap after breakfast, a nap at 5pm, and i still sleep 6 hours at night.
i also feel like i've had all the energy sucked out of me, and i can barely lift my own body weight.
i'm trying to go to the gym consistently but feeling this way makes it near impossible.
another reason to be frustrated.
sometimes i feel like i'm just a head, and my body can't hear my brain telling it to move.
the ugly truth on doing nothing all day.
i wake up.
i can at least fetch myself breakfast, and then after breakfast i take a nap.
i lie in bed all day, with my laptop, scrolling through youtube to see what i distract myself with and fill my hours.
even dedicating myself to a series seems like too much work at the moment.
when i question what i'm doing with my life again, i take another nap.
i wish to sleep away all my days.
when i'm awake i lie in bed looking for more distractions.
sometimes i'll crochet a bit but that's the most productive i get.
i eat my meals and then go back to lying down.
i know, not a good habit.
i somehow do nothing until it's time to sleep at night, and it just repeats the next day.
this is the reality of my depression.