the library
today i had a dentist appointment at a new dentist, since i can't be under my mom's insurance anymore.
(a dumb rule).
last night, i had a therapy session and i thought i felt okay afterwards.
but my mom came into my room to talk about jobs again, and how there's always the option of getting a master's degree, or doing another course in another related field, and more of the same things she tells me every day.
basically she got me very anxious and i started to spiral again.
the anxiety was crippling - i was supposed to go to the gym as i do every thursday but i just could not get myself to go.
i was crying in bed, the next panic attack coming as soon as the one before ended.
i genuinely felt like i was never going to get a job.
not just because of the market, but because i lacked so much skill-wise.
and of course i could just study and hone my skills but even that seemed impossible, because i just felt like i sucked.
i can't say those feelings are gone now, but i'm not breaking down crying anymore at least.
back to today, after the dentist appointment i decided to stop by my town's public library.
it's a 3 minute drive from my house and on the way back home, so i made this spontaneous decision as i was approaching it, which is rare for me because i'm super indecisive and need to plan most things.
when i walked in after several years, i noticed it smelled exactly the same as it did back then.
did you know our sense of smell is very closely linked with our memories, possibly more than any of the other senses?
the public library holds a lot of memories for me.
it was where i spent a lot of my time being tutored, tutoring, and "studying" with my friends, since it was one of the only places my parents permitted me to go after school.
it was where i broke up with my then-boyfriend in 8th grade, sending him home crying.
it was where my friends and i got hooked on lipton citrus green tea.
it was where one of my close friends who was allergic to peanuts wanted to eat a twix bar despite me advising against it, and he couldn't come to school the next day because of his allergic reaction.
it was where i became best friends with my current boyfriend, through asking for help with homework.
at that time we both swore we would only ever be best friends haha.
although i had a library card in the past, i guess it had expired or something, so i made a new one.
i have a bad habit of buying books i want to read and then never getting around to them, so i figured reading them at the library or borrowing them first would:
a. make me read them and
b. help me determine if i really wanted to buy them or not.
the book i actually wanted to read was not available, so i put a hold on the next returned copy.
i instead decided to read The Little Prince.
yes, i have never read it to completion before, which may be shocking.
when i was a child my dad bought me a graphic novel version of it, and sometimes before i went to sleep i would ask him to draw me things from it because he was good at copying drawings.
i've read the beginning of the book regarding the elephant-in-the-boa-that-is-not-a-hat probably around 10 times, but i've never read the entire book before.
it was short so i finished it pretty quickly in one go, and i loved it.
it was just the right amount of whimsical but emotional and touching that i love.
i'll write my detailed review on it soon.
after reading it was around 4:30pm, and when i got up and turned to face the window, i saw a beautiful bright orange sunset.
i love the sky and the colors it can turn.
as i was putting the book back i noticed there was more peace in my heart.
i'm still anxious about my future but the knot in my stomach is gone, and i don't feel the need to cry.
i guess the library and the reading and the sunset did some good for my soul.
on my way out, i stopped by the small cafeteria they have.
they had gotten new vending machines and lots of new snacks, but i was a bit sad to see they didn't have the citrus green tea anymore.
such is life though.