uh oh
i'm stuck.
i'm spiraling, i think.
it's been a while since i've done this because i've been taking medication and going to therapy, but i had a sickening realization yesterday and now i'm filled with fear again.
i've been neglecting my studies for the job search and now i don't remember much of what i should know.
maybe i shouldn't say neglecting, that sounds like a negative word.
i couldn't help it, i was trying to fix myself, so that i could do The Thing.
but the depression's taking over again and i just feel so stuck.
when will it end? i ask for the bajillionth time.
i'm scared.
will i have to start from square one?
probably not, but maybe somewhere like square three.
how long will this take me?
am i even ready to start from square three though?
every day feels like a chore. and a bore.
well pj, if you're bored, why don't you do something?
i'm.. trying but everything seems so terrible and so difficult.
i lie here in my puddle of fear, all my energy sapped by depression.
my psychiatrist, my therapist, they tell me i need to feel better first, that my mood needs to be stable, but when will i feel better?
i'm scared i'll never get a job again, or that it'll take me five more years and i'll never accomplish my goals for the next few years.
i'm tired of being behind, although there is no behind or ahead i guess, except the mental illness tells me there is.
if you were me, what would you do?