using my brain again
i hate it but i haven't been doing much lately.
my therapist and my psychiatrist tell me that it's normal, that i shouldn't put so much pressure on myself until my mood feels more stable/good, since most of the time i still feel disinterested and unmotivated.
but me being me and the expectations i grew up with, i hate that i can't get myself to be productive.
my efforts haven't been totally futile though, i'm still working my part-time job (although i want to quit) and i've been cooking healthy meals for myself as i've started to go back to the gym.
i should probably be proud of this progress but to be honest it's hard to be.
getting back into programming is always in the back of my mind.
but i'm scared, as always.
scared of what?
i don't even know.
of failure, of putting in effort just to struggle in getting a job again?
something of that sort.
but the brain fog has been really bad.
i don't remember what i did yesterday unless i really think hard about it.
i've probably forgotten a lot of what i learned during and after my bootcamp, and that makes me scared too.
i suck at mental math now btw, which is something i excelled at growing up.
it's probably all because i'm just not using my brain these days.
today i took a big step and went out to a cafe to study japanese.
i'm going to japan in the fall and since i won't be going with any japanese-speaking friends this time (i always had someone in the past) i felt it was the perfect time to learn japanese.
i won't be starting from zero as i know some japanese already, but it'll be a big task for me.
it's not what i need to get a job, but i'm hoping this will kickstart my motivation again and clear up some of the clouds in my brain.
wish me luck!