what would you pay a dollar for?
lately i've been really.. scared.
my therapist advises me not to use the words "scared" or "overwhelmed" too often, as they convey a more extreme feeling, but i think what i've been feeling in some moments is really sheer fear.
the stomach-dropping feeling you get when you've forgotten something really important, the tingly sensation you get that turns into panic when you know you've fucked up and you're going to get into trouble.
have you ever felt like you truly have no options and there is literally no way out?
it's an indescribable feeling that makes you feel physically ill.
yes, while i know it's unlikely, i'm scared that i won't amount to anything.
that i'll never achieve my simple goal of getting a job and moving out.
but there also seems to be fear in every corner of my life.
fear that, when combined with extreme burnout and exhaustion, is stopping me from taking a single step forward.
so what am i so afraid of?
honestly, it's hard to pinpoint.
probably failure for sure, but there's more to it than that.
i worry about not being good at something, that i'll spend hours working on an endeavor just to be disappointed with the results and scrap it.
i worry that this vicious cycle will never end, the one where i get inspired and work towards something, but quickly get uninterested or discouraged, and once again fall into a void of depression.
i'm scared to try something else because i already feel like a waste of money and i don't know if i can get myself to complete another course or degree or whatever.
i'm scared that no employer or company will hire me because i just don't know how to get to a level where i'm good enough to work professionally, because quite frankly, i never knew how to study thoroughly or push myself that hard - i always broke down so easily.
i'm scared that no matter how hard i am able to work towards something, no one will ever recognize my efforts, or even worse, i'll be criticized for them.
i always thought i could handle baseless criticism or hate that came from strangers, but i know that each one will slowly eat away at me.
and it's not really criticism about my skills that i worry about.
i think it's the possibility that i might mess up and do or say something insensitive, something i didn't intend for, and people will see me as a bad person.
for some reason, being seen as something i'm not is one of the worst feelings for me.
i bring this up because, well, one of my dreams has always been to design and create my own things (for lack of a better word) and have other people use and enjoy what i create.
for example, it's common for k-pop fans (or fans of anything in general) to design and sell or give out fanmade merch, ranging from paper prints, to keychains, to glassware, clothing, and more.
i always thought it would be fun to be able to do this, and honestly this is what fueled my interest in graphic design.
nowadays i dream of simply posting design work online, and eventually growing it into a business for my own creations, if i can get there.
of course money plays into it, but i feel like being able to make something useful, or something that somebody else would want and find joy in, is what makes me feel good about myself.
but.. i'm! so! scared!
i'm struggling to learn, as my unchecked and newly diagnosed adhd has grown so aggressively that i don't know how to focus or work at something without burning myself out.
real talk, i feel like the amount of time i've been burnt out far exceeds the amount of time i haven't been.
i feel hopeless because there are already so many others out there like me, who are already successful.
what could i possibly produce that would make people turn to look at me?
i'm spiraling again.
looking through a rational lens and being as realistic and kind to myself as possible, i know that i have a good eye and that i'm not completely unskilled or talentless (self-aware queen).
so i think about making simple things, and just overcoming the first hurdle to post it.
i think about offering things for $1, just one, which might not be as good as getting something for free, but it's just one dollar.
i still don't know if anything i make would be worth even a single dollar.
it's crazy how even writing this post, i feel almost embarrassed or ashamed to talk about wanting to sell something i make.
whatever i make, when and if i make it, i hope to someone it's worth that one dollar.
i hope i can be less fearful, and work to believe that good things can happen when you take a chance.