when will it end?
aaand she's back to feeling all the feels.
some life updates:
- i started crocheting yesterday and i made some four-leaf clovers
- i saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication
- i got a part-time job teaching kids how to code
- i had my first crying spell in a while yesterday
clovers
they're not perfect, but i'm trying not to beat myself up over it.
i wanted to give them out to my friends but i probably won't until i think they're perfect.
medication
back when i tried a bunch of different medications for my depression/anxiety in college, there was one combination that worked a little better than the others.
the psychiatrist i met said she would put me on the same combination, but this time i would take one of them in the morning and one in the evening.
she also prescribed me something to help manage my anxiety immediately while the other medications take their time to start working.
it has only been a few days, but i'm not really sure if anything's working.
i think i don't feel the knot in my stomach now, but it hasn't taken away the fear i feel.
i hope they work this time.
part-time job
i've never had a real part-time job before.
the only job i've had prior to my first one as a software engineer was just tutoring friends' siblings or family friends' kids, which was nothing on the books.
i decided to apply because i always feel that teaching is a good way to learn/remember things yourself, and it would be nice to have a little income.
i had two interviews, and for the second one she had asked me to come in with two simple, introductory-level projects in scratch and python - two languages i had very little exposure to.
i was really nervous about everything, and thinking about having responsibilities gave me anxiety, but the manager was super super nice and really liked me.
i start tomorrow.
i'm hoping i can be good enough and not give up in the middle.
i'm actually really scared that i'll get overwhelmed and want to quit.
crying
i was reading a book yesterday - The Midnight Library - which i had started in the past but never finished.
i re-read/finished the entire book yesterday.
i'll write more about it in my review, but the main character was going through a lot of what i had gone through, or am going through.
i knew exactly how she felt, and it made me think about how long i've felt this way.
my poor mental health has cost me so much time, money, and energy.
i've missed out on so many opportunities, become distant with so many friends, probably made people disappointed in me, made countless excuses not to show up, given my parents a hard time..
i've been on this journey to get better for years, yet i'm still stuck in the basement of my tower.
and that's how i've been feeling lately. just.. stuck.
any good days are evenly matched with bad ones.
i know i must be making some progress, but it honestly feels like i'm not.
i'm tired of feeling everything and then nothing, feeling my body shake with fear and then feeling like i don't have a body at all; like, how am i supposed to function?
i just want to be okay.
counting my blessings
yes, i feel like shit at the moment, but i don't want to stop trying.
at least, i'm trying really hard to not stop trying.
so i'll end with going over some good things.
- played games with my friends/boyfriend's dance teammates - this made me feel more included and like they considered me a friend as well
- i finished another book - i'm reading! i'm using my brain, i'm able to focus better, i'm learning, i'm happy to discover great writing.
- i have great friends in korea who go to see our favorite k-pop idols and ask me if i want to ask my favorite member anything, and send me his photocards
- i'm working on a simple project with a friend and we got through a block a few days ago
- i have this space (bear) where i can be vulnerable, and i'm glad that i've learned how to be vulnerable, and i've received so much support (thank you to everyone)
- i'm trying, and i should be proud of myself for it