idk, feeling kind of low again lately, even though we raised the dosage on my medication.
maybe it's because of the weather getting cold again, or because i haven't gone to the gym in a few weeks because i injured my hand (nothing too serious).
my therapist and i said i would let myself rest until april, and then we could see if my mood has been stable and if so i would start to study then.
i think deadlines and timers give me massive anxiety; i struggle often to fall asleep when i set an alarm, and wake up before the alarm rings.
my medication masks the physical symptoms of my anxiety, but there's still that feeling of dread in my heart.
i don't think i'm ready.

but i know i can't be jobless and stay in my bed forever, and i want to get a job, i want to move out, etc etc.
the hardest part is that i know i want all this and yet i can't get myself to start.

one thing that has been working out for me though is crocheting.
i don't know what's different here, but unlike most of my other hobbies where i start and then get immediately disappointed in my products, i'm actually going through with my projects.
i started off with little things: four-leaf clovers, coasters, ribbons.
but i decided to try and make cute dog collars for my friend's dogs since i was going over to her apartment one day.
they weren't perfect because i'm still new to crocheting, but i was proud of myself for finishing something.
my friend was really happy with them and had the dogs wear them for other guests as well, who complimented them.

i also spontaneously made a jellyfish after seeing a tutorial pop up on my youtube, and i was super satisfied with the results.
i posted it on my instagram story and a friend actually asked me if i take commissions!
i told her i'm not at that level yet, but if she wanted a jellyfish i would gladly make her one.
so i did! and i found out she loves jellyfish, so i was happy to have made her happy.
although i said she didn't need to pay me, she sent me $10, which was nice.

my current project is a checkerboard drawstring bag, based on another tutorial i saw on youtube.
it's the first time i'm using two different colors of yarn and alternating them, so it was a bit daunting at first, but turned out to be really simple.
it's the biggest thing i've ever made and although it's not perfect, it looks pretty nice so far.

as a perfectionist and someone who want's to be good at everything, completing projects is huge.
other parts of my life may be at a standstill which hurts, but i'm proud of my creations and the fact that i've completed these projects and put them out for the world to see.